Wednesday, 23 July 2008
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When is enough enough?
There are many reasons to break up. The worse reasons include adultery, Domestic violence, and robbery. Sometimes people simply grow apart. I have seen, and experienced all of these, troubled endings, personally or vicariously through my family members. What I have always tried to discern is why so many people, accept these conditions for years without confronting and trying to change them.
The excuse most often expressed is “Because I love him/her” or “we have a child”. Someone who was very close to me used the latter so long that the child is almost an adult. But being in that environment, lead the child to develop many of the negative behaviors. So we are forced to wonder if it was the right choice. In my opinion it wasn’t. I think the only way people change behavior is being forced out of there comfort zone. The biggest reason this behavior exists, is because someone allows it. By breaking up or forcing someone out of the home you share you send an important message “I am NOT Going to take it!” Depending on the circumstance it
could just be temporary.
Let me take another less extreme example, a friend of my wife’s lets call her N, after just gotten out of a long term semi-abusive relationship (semi-means it only happened when he drank).She got involved with a different guy, (with my wife’s urging) who turned out to be a player. The kind of busy guy that doesn’t call you until about 1:00 Am Friday night. When he orders her to call a cab and come over. For reasons I can’t quite fathom she keeps going back, even though he makes her pay for the cab!
Almost without fail, the next morning he gives her a speech explaining that his friends are very important, and that he has too much to do to be bothered with her silliness. If all this wasn’t bad enough, she finds e-mail after e-mail to other girls, sometimes mocking her. She calls my wife Trish with more and more stories. Trish feels responsible and wants to scream at the guy and beat him up. I think that’s useless, because this guy knows what he is doing, the same thing at least 50% of men would do. He’s getting his cake and eating it to, which is normal when your young adults (there both in there mid 20’s). I think it falls to N to stop making the booty calls if she wants some respect. But as she is fond of saying “I fell in love with him.”
So I ask who is to blame?
Also what are some of your reasons for staying in a bad relationship?
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Comments (3)
hi, that's me. my boyfriend of a year and I broke up in April but the same day we broke up we decided to continue to keep seeing eachother. Eventually he told me he didnt want to be exclusive when I found out he was dating another girl as well. For reasons i can't explain, I stick around. Even though he tells me he loves me (something he wouldnt say when we were bf and gf because he was scared) and I love him, he continues to pursue other women who even go as far as to harass me because I am the ex. I'm moving 6 hours away for school and while I understand his reasons for being nonexclusive and who knows, i may meet someone in college, I dont want anyone else and I dont understand why if we love eachother and we've worked out the problems we had in our relationship before, we cant just be together. It's to hard to be non exclusive when my heart is committed, my friends and family are all sick of him, but I stick around.
Very interesting post!
I agree--it's about being comfortable. People will continue to do things that you let them get away with, and if you are willing to stay in a relationship where you are being treated badly, you are communicating to that person that they can continue treating you like crap without having to worry about losing you. And so they will continue. The clearest way to send the message that you aren't going to take it is to break up with them. If N continues to allow this man to disrespect her, he will continue to do so. If she chooses to stop accepting his booty calls, he will stop making them. (What a jerk!!) The only way for her to convince this man that she is not his plaything is to stop being his plaything and break it off.
I think that the times when I've stayed in bad relationships it was for a couple of reasons. One is because I didn't think I could really do better than what I had at the time (even though it wasn't really that great). Another reason is because I got comfortable. Another reason is because I really didn't have the self-esteem, self-respect and confidence to stand up and say to them that I didn't want or need them in my life if that was the way they were going to treat me. It took me a long time to get up the courage to do it.
For one, I feel that Miss N is lost and probably on a rebound. She is probably needing of love after being in an abusive relationship. She just thinks she is in love and she probably has no heart to drop him. Some women are suckers for these kind of guys and they really need a rude awakening. I'm just really surprised that she's still hanging around him.
For some, they stay in a bad relationship because of unconditional dedication.